Friday, June 30, 2006

Friday Night Lights

Dont laugh. I'm going to see The Devil Wears Prada tonight. Why?? I tell you why:

1) America loves Stanley Tucci in a supporting role.
2) I enjoy Anne Hathaway's body...of work. (That's not creepy, she's 23.)
3) Aquaman is in it. So is Joanne from Rent.
4) I missed seeing Akeelah and the Bee in theaters and I need to fill my quota of good movies that I should just rent instead of shelling out $7 to see.
5) Dateline isn't a To Catch a Predator episode. "Have some cookies! I'll be right out!"

And FYI, if you enjoy Anne Hathaway's work, you should check out the movie Havoc for her intense portrayal of a spoiled rich girl in L.A. who gets intrigued by the Hispanic gang life on the streets. Oscar material.


Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Drain

Here's what's going down the drain. With the hubbub surronding the new Superman Movie, here's the definitive list of top and bottom superhero movies. No arguments.

Top 5
1) Batman Begins- Face it. Great story. Great cast (Oldman, Caine, Morgan Freeman!). Badass Hero. And a heart. Dark, yes, but not Spawn dark.
2) Spider-Man 2- The best, flabbiest villian of all time. One righteous subway car action scene. And actual pathos for the leading man.
3) Sin City- Any movie that has Clive Owen, Elijah Wood, Nick Stahl and Mickey Rourke is all right in my book. The Yellow Bastard would sooooo be on Dateline today.
4) Batman- Jack Palance. "You....are my number one.....ah guy." And Keaton. Oh, and Keaton. His pinnacle. It all went downhill to playing guys reincarnated as snowmen from then on.

5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- The original. Though No. 2 gets bonus points for Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap".

Bottom 5

5) Elektra- Yes, Daredevil was so incredibly bad we'll make an even crappier spin-off with a girl who stole Raphael's sais. Wait, will you also have Affleck's baby? Good.
4) Hulk- Not "THE" Hulk. Just Hulk. Ang Lee can do gay cowboys. He can do Crouching Tigers. He can't do horrible looking CGI green monsters that clock in over 2 and half excrutiating hours.
3) Catwoman- Halle Berry. You just won an academy award. What are you gonna next? I'm gonna make this horrible stinking turd with a stretched out Sharon Stone. Absolutely vomit-worthy.

2) The Punisher- Though I love the ridiculous over the top hamming by John Travolta. Come to
think of it, maybe it's on the wrong list.

and....the worst superhero movie....ever!!!!

1) Batman and Robin- Where to start? The bat nipples. The homo-erotic banter between Clooney and O'Donnell. The Batgirl subplot. Elle Macpherson?? And, of course, Arnold delivering such zingers as "ICE to see you!", "You're not sending me to the cooler!", and "My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it is the chilling sound of your doom!"


Superman Returns?

Let me preface this reaction by saying that I have never seen a Christopher Reeve Superman film. I do not watch the show Smallville. And I never jumped on the Lois and Clark bandwagon in the mid-90s like my cousin Liza did. (I do love Dean Cain however. Rock and Jock b-ball yall!) So I didn't really go into the new Superman movie with great anticipation. The fact that I saw the very first showing of it at 10pm on Tuesday night is still surprising to me. But when I casually mentioned it to the brother, he said he was down and I should go pick up the tickets. So amongst the packed theater later that night, we sat down.

For the first frame it had everything: Action! Suspense! Great characters! And you left it feeling you wanted more. Oh, wait, that was the Spider-Man 3 Trailer.

Superman Returns however: sigh. Ehh. It was....ok? First of all, we all know the story of Superman. Aside from the previously mentioned incarnations, between the comics and other TV shows, we KNOW the story. There is nothing new here. So what we ended up getting was not a sequel or a reimagining, but a requel. Superman returned after leaving earth for 5 years. Did the earth miss him? Why was he gone for that long? How come everyone looks 22? None of these questions get answered.

Seriously, Kate Bosworth looks 22. The kid who plays Jimmy looks 19. You're telling me that they've been working at the Daily Planet for at least like, 8 years. Plus Lois has a kid? Not buying it. Not to mention that nobody puts two and two together that Clark Kent has also been gone for five years. Ehh, he was just visiting the Dalai Lama. Huh? One throwaway sentence and we're supposed to buy it. I say either play it campy like everyone is stupid or play it real and make some sense, or at least have someone figure out that Clark is the Man of Steel.

The other problem with this movie is the villain's plan. Apparently Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey, who never has a scene where his bald head isn't framed perfectly in the center) wants to destroy all the continents and make one big continent, which he rules. Except for the continent is a black, swampy piece of rock. What an evil genius!! And don't get me started as to why Parker Posey was in this movie. I mean, Parker Posey?? Is this a low budget indie? And then they completely misuse Kal Penn aka Kumar as the bad guy who stares at Lex a lot. I dont think Harold's bong buddy had one line.

Also, there was so much Christ imagery in this movie I felt I was watching the Recut of the Passion. Seriously, Superman gets the shit kicked out of him for a long time. When he's falling from the sky he has arms out in an obvious crucifixation pose. C'mon guys! Superman was created by two Jews. Give us some props. Have him part the Ocean at least. Give us somethin!

All in all, after seeing the X-Men movies, the first two Spider-Mans, and the completely original Batman Begins, Superman Returns falls flat. Either reinvent him or stay out of the way. If you're like me your first question when you leave the theater will be: Doesn't Pirates of the Caribbean open next week?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Thanks Derek!

If anyone is here at my blog via Derek's site I say thank you for stopping by.

My first big post was about the NBA Draft, so that probably will be lost by most people coming here from Derek's site. But my upcoming posts may be less sports-centric, so check in. Check out. Leave me a comment. Cause right now the comment posts are clean as a whistle. Which reminds me:

Are whistles really clean? I mean we're slobbering all over them with our saliva. That doesn't sound very clean to me. A referee uses them, he's sweating, keeping it in his mouth for the whole game. That does not sound like the template for cleanliness. We need to get to bottom of this phrase.

NBA Draft 2006 Live Blog

So, let's see. New blog. What to do? What to do?

Oh, I know! How about an extremely time consuming live blog that only a handful of people will even understand?? Done and done. Countdown to the 2006 NBA Draft is on. I will now list all the players that I could pick out of a crowd of tall people: J.J. Redick, Adam Morrison (and his dirtstache), um, um , is Paul Davis (aka Lurch) getting drafted?

So I may not know the players, but I know Jay Bilas and Stephen A. Smith, and I'm sure they'll be bumbling all night. So in the words of Mills Lane: Let's get it on!

7: 15 Stephen A. Smith is already yelling. Not to be outdone, Dick Vitale comes in at an extremely high decibal level. They show LSU star Tyrus Thomas in the lounge with like a 3 year old kid. I hope that's his little brother. I doubt it though.

7:19 This draft is taking place at MSG. That's just a smack in the face to NY Knicks as far as I'm concerned. Do the Knick fans cheer for the No. 2 pick that Chicago makes and chant "Coulda been ours! Coulda been ours!" It's like holding the NFL QB challenge at Ben Roethlisberger's house.

7:25 Classy sideline reporting by Mark Jones. Asks JJ Redick about his DUI. Follows that up with an XBOX question: Who's better at Halo? Him or Morrison? Nice. Hey drunkie, you play video games online! Pop that collar.

7:29 The first pick is by the Toronto Raptors. Get ready hardcore Raptor Fan!!! You're getting a european douchebag named Andrea. Is he the next Nowitzki? More like the next Darko. Or Tshitvilli. Or Tukoglu. Or Vujicic. Or Delfino. Or Kukoc. Does it really matter? I mean, seriously can you trust the first pick to a guy with the same name as the nerdy girl on 90210? Go Gay. Rudy Gay that is.

7:41 Andrea, you've just been picked No. 1. Go meet Stuart Scott. This is probably the first black guy Andrea's met and it's Stu. Oh god. Stu begins by saying Molto Benna. What were the odds of that? He asks what is the worst part of being picked No. 1. Um, it happened 15 seconds ago Stu. If it were me, the worst thing about being drafted is this interview.

7:44 First guy I say huh? to. LaMarcus Aldridge. Anyone with a La or Da or De in front of his name must be good though. Apparently LAmarcus is going from Chicago to Portland for Tyrus Thomas at No. 4. If they didn't switch hats, would you even know which one was which?

7:49 Kwame Brown wasn't available so Michael Jordan and Charlotte picked the best available Diabetes ridden cryer with a mullet and pornstache, Adam Morrison. They only guy in the draft who will average over 15 ppg next year. Plus, he's the most marketable player in the draft. Really?!?! This guy? Have you seen him? Love his crying commercial. "Yeah, I cried! So what?" So, trim those sideburns hippie!

7:53 Rachel Nichols. Hello! A few more notes on Morrison. His favorite DVD is Ultimate Fighting. His favorite book is "The Art of War" And he cried when Rage against the Machine broke up. What doesn't this guy cry at? Did he cry when they stopped making Crystal Pepsi? Did he cry when the sock puppet got sued? Suck it up white trash.

7:57 Tyrus Thomas apparently played well against Duke and that's why Dicky V loves him. Bilas loves him too. Wow, beat Duke and you get drafted high. Guess that's why we don't see a lot of Michigan State guys drafted high.

7:59 First Stephen A. blow up. "Portland doesn't know what they're doing. That's all I got to say about that." And then he continues to blow air. Dan Patrick looks scared.

8:02 Hawks take Shelden Williams. This guy looks like a Scooby Doo villian. Me eat Brains!!! What a shock. Bilas and Vitale love the Duke guy Williams.

8:08 Randy Foye. Brandon Roy. Two others that I can't tell the difference between. Minnesota takes Brandon Roy. I think. It could be Randy Roy. Or Brandon Foye. Dont' ask me. I'm just a product of the East Coast Bias that is prejudice against players from the Pac 10.

8:15 Everyone is wondering why Rudy Gay has fallen. Simple. No team wants to deal with the "GAY" jokes on the road. The NBA is homophobic.

8:17 Boston does not go Gay. They go Foye. But Massachusetts loves the Gay. But he's traded to Portland. They are not Gay friendly apparently. Foye does have his godbrother "Z" with him. People have GODBROTHERS?? When did this happen? Who the hell is my godbrother? My godbrother is out there somewhere and I have no idea who he is.

8:26 Houston goes Gay. But not for long. They were just experimenting. Everyone experiments in college. They trade Gay to Memphis for Shane Battier, who is kinda gayer than Gay, but whatevs. Vitale loves the Gay.

8:30 Golden State picks Patrick O'Bryant. He's Not White. He's Not Irish. The shock of the Draft. Unshocking: The extremely awkward interview with Stu where Stu calls him Bryan.

8:36 Half of these players have already been traded. It's kinda ridiculous. Seattle takes Saer Sene from Senegal whos big time stats include 3 ppg and 4 rpg. I'm sure he's getting traded.

8:42 Orlando: Drunkie?? Drunkie?? DRUNKIE!!!! Why not draft Redick? He's only a one-dimensional, alcoholic with back problems and no offensive moves. Lottery pick! I'm guessing that Bilas and Vitale love it.

8:48 New Orleans picks Mike Brown. You're doing a heckuva job, brownie. Wait. They draft some guy named Hilton Armstrong. And he can't really speak english even though he was born in New York. NBA is fantastic!

8:51 We still got Philly and Utah in the lottery. It's been an underwhelming night to be sure, considering that you have to wait a day or two to dechiper who actually got drafted by who after all the trades go down. Luckily the World Poker Tour Championship is on in 8 minutes.

8:54 The pick everyone was waiting for, Thabo Sefolosha. WHO?? WHAT?? Do people running NBA teams, actually scout. Or do they just throw a dart at a bunch of pictures. He's from Switzerland. Has anyone ever done anything athletic from Switzerland? Answer: No. And, OMG, guess what? He was traded. I'm out.

Post draft comments: It pays to stay in school. Shannon Brown, Maurice Ager and Paul Davis all get drafted by competent playoff teams. Brown and LeBron could be a nice combo. And Paul Davis playing alongside Brand and Kaman should be pretty good. Not sure where Ager will fit in the Dallas rotation.

This Draft was out of control. Portland made six trades. SIX!! And with all the unknown players, international gambles, and booing Knick fans, it was a headache waiting to happen. But I did make up to 70 bucks tonight playing cards. So at least I got something out of watching it. This was tiring. See ya at the NFL Draft.

Mission Statement

So this is my blog. Shit, I wonder how many people have started their blog with 'this is my blog'. I'm an unoriginal bastard. Scratch that. Re-do.

So.....this is my blog. Dammit!! Oh well.

What is Unky Rob's Kitchen Sink? It's a place for me to talk about anything and everything. Be it politics, movies, sports, tv, poker, video games, trends, basically whatever is rolling around in that untapped resource known as my brain. Sort of a PTI for my thoughts. And it's all courtesy of yours truly, Rob Weiner, aka Robbie, aka Unky Rob, aka "Get a Job!".

I'll try to be informative. I'll try to be insightful. But most of all I'll try to bring the funny. So sit back, grab a Fresca, and venture into Unky Rob's Kitchen Sink.