Hot and Cold-August Movies

A few ramblings about The Descent, John Tucker Must Die, World Trade Center, and Step Up.

HOT- Gooey Puddles of blood that british chicks and bat creatures come out of. Seriously, that scene was balls out creepy. In that movie, they were like, 'what are these creatures?' and they're in this cave, and one chick who wasn't Kelly Ripa is like, 'they use sound to hunt like bats'. And we all thought the same thing. BAT BOY!! Hopefully, they will evolve into Masterpiece Theatre loving well adjusted gentlemen.

COLD- All the previews before the movie. I need another stupid Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie like a need a chainsaw through my leg. That first one was student film level bad. I seriously think that a red-headed Fraggle could make a better movie. But Michael Bay has never made a bad movie!! And then, among all the horror movie previews, they show a trailer for Marky Mark's Invincible?? I think that was a mistake. That's like throwing the preview to Saw 3 before a matinee screening of Barnyard.


HOT- Brittany Snow in underwear. I know she played a Neo-Nazi on 'Nip and Tuck' as my mother calls it. But that girl is still hot in a attainable girl next door type way. And she's legal. Just like everyone else in that 'High School' movie. John Tucker aka Jesse Metcalfe is 27 for god's sake!!

COLD- Jenny McCarthy's face. So, apparently she's dating Jim Carrey now, and, fine, good for her. But seriously, her face is streched so thin it is frightening to look at. Everytime she came on screen I winced. Back in '96 in her Singled Out days she had some meat to her face. Now it looks like she's auditioning for the role of Skeletor in some He-Man remake.

COLD- And Ashanti in that movie was dressed like a pirate the entire time. Nobody dresses with bandanas, scarves, giant hoop earrings, a shirt that's basically just a bra, and mini skirt with platforms at any high school I know. Maybe in California. But I still don't think so. There may have been a dress code where you have to expose your midriff at all times. And I swear, that HS was the Sluts 'R Us high school, that apparently enrolls porn stars who are 30 years old. Everybody was just so horny and fashionable. And they never had to do school work. And all the teachers are buffoons. And they had some secret lair where they hatched out their plan. And.....

COLD- They didn't even want to KILL JOHN TUCKER! Don't call your movie John Tucker Must Die, if the worst thing you're going to do to him is make him wear a thong in front of the school. It would have been a much more interesting movie, if the did try to assinate him somehow. Get V for Vendetta to poison him or something. Run him over with a Hummer,. Slice the back of his ankles. Something! Instead, he learns a valuable lesson not to lie and use girls and blah blah blah, in a scene which somehow ends in a climactic food fight at his birthday party. Plus, Brittany Snow and her real love, John Tucker's brother (channeling 10 things I hate about You Heath Ledger), didn't even kiss at the end. What a Tease! I do like the poster though.

HOT- So apparently people would rather go see a movie about a borderline mental defective white guy learn how to dance, than World Trade Center. I guess I kind of agree with them. I mean, I'm sure WTC is good and powerful and meaningful and sad and cathartic. But I just am not feeling it right now. And it's not cuz it's too soon or that our world is in such a mess. But kind of like you have to be in the right mood to watch a documentary or a depressing movie. And I just don't think August is the time for that. Although I do enjoy Michael Pena, the locksmith from Crash. He may cancel out my annoyance that is Nicholas Cage. I'll probably check it out on video.

COLD- But then again, how did Step Up make so much money?? I guess after a month long break of 'chick' movies, girls got to drag their men to this Dirty Dancing, Save the Last Dance, Take the Lead, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Honey, Flashdance, The Company, Center Stage, insert dance movie here, retread. This time a manly man has to learn ballet!!?!?! But not before I'm sure he infuses his street cred to the dance!! I hope the couple end up together, though I'm sure they hate each other at first! And I bet one of them has a parent who disapproves! How original.


-UR