Saturday, July 22, 2006

Why you should love Steven Seagal

Once in a generation a talent comes along that rewrites history. Michael Jordan. Eldrick Woods. Elvis Presley. When it comes to straight-to-video action movies. That Steven Seagal.

Thus, the top 10 reasons to love the SS.

10. His voice.

The pacifying, raspy voice that never gets angered. Even after watching some one murder his family or kill his partner, he never raises his voice. It's with utter condescension that he manipulates his victims. Come and get some, punk.

9. He's from Michigan.

Steven Seagal was born April 10, 1951 in our state's capital, Lansing, Michigan. Once again, proof that our state is greater than Delaware.

8. This quote: "I am hoping I can be known as a great actor and writer someday, rather than a sex symbol."

So much greatness from that statement by SS. That he at one point was only known as a sex symbol says something horrible about women. That he wants to be known by his acting. And that he is....a writer??? Some research shows that he did in fact work on the screenplay to his films Above the Law, Belly of the Beast, and Into the Sun. Yet he is not a member of the Writers Guild. Criminal.

7. He's also a composer.

That's right. Not only an accomplished screeenwriter is he, but he also is a musician. He's no Three Six Mafia, but he did write songs for Under Seige 2, Into the Sun, and Ticker. The song for US2 was entitled "After the Train has Gone". Randy Newman, watch out.

6. His ponytail.

It says a lot that he refuses to relenquish his trademark. Stay strong, Steven. Don't let society tell you when a hairstyle has gone out (if it ever was in) of fashion.

5. In fact, his entire fashion sense.

Kimonos. Muumuus. Robes and kitana swords. How did a cross between Lady Thiang from the King and I and Graham Greene become a movie star?? God's will, baby.

4. His character names.

It may help that he writes some of his own scripts, but here's a list of some of the badasses that Seagal has played over the years.

Austin Travis
Casey Ryback
Harlan Banks
Jonathan Cold
Orin Boyd
Forrest Taft
and...the ultimate

How are you not be a BAMF with a name like Mason Storm.

3. His fighting style.

He's not a stunt man. He can't move really fast. But he can kill you with his pinky. He will rip out your throat, or break your palm by bending it forward. He can snap your femur like a twig. He doesn't do massive punching and kicking tactics, but rather a style known as Akido, using your opponent, inertia and body weight to employ various chokes, holds, and locks that incapicate your foe. And his timid demeanor being released with a fury is might impressive. All of this coupled with this fact: He's a buddhist.

2. He has his own energy drink.

How many flabby B Movie stars can say that. Do you see C. Thomas Howell with his own soda? Or the Daniel Baldwin Jolt?? No. The man hasn't made a succesful movie since 1995, yet he is steadily making movies and remaining in the public conscious. What a model for work.

1. His range.

Is there anything he can't do?? I mean, sure he can play a cop who's family has been murdered. Or he can play a Navy Seal who's daughter has been kidnapped. Or a hitman with a score to settle. Or an ex-con trying to get his life back. He's an enviromentalist and a pacifist who murders people. He still gets chicks and he still makes money. When I used to work at the video store, where a new Seagal movie would come out every 3 weeks, people still rented it. People still love him. And it's because he can do it all. Long live Seagal. And that Panda.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

He also is a nine-time razzie nominated actor, although some of them are for his directing...

Long live steven seagal!


P.S. My dad actually loves his movies and often watches them on cable


Blogger AsaJubus said...

What I love about Steven Seagal is he is also a grammarian - many of his movies are prepositional phrases. "Under Seige," "Above the Law," "Out for Justice" and "On Deadly Ground." Maybe he'll do a version of "Into the Woods."


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