Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Drain 7/8

Afros, boredom, Pirates and Gay forefathers. What do they have in common? They are all going down:

-Ben Wallace has left Detroit. Talk all you want about how Ben is on the downside of his career. Talk about how Chicago overpaid for him. Talk about how he can't score or shoot a free throw. But the guy was the heart, the soul and the face of this franchise for the last 6 years. And they maybe able to replace his stats, but they can't replace his leadership.

So let's see. Joe Dumars was able to parlay Ben Wallace, the no. 2 draft pick where they could have got Melo, Wade, or Bosh, Carlos Arroyo into....Kelvin Cato?? Do you think we could use Darko right now? I wouldn't trade the 2004 championship for anything, but has a team fallen so far so fast. In February the Pistons team were a lock to win the title and were handling the Western Conference All-Stars. Now, they are the 3rd best team in their own division, and their coach is Flip Saunders. Yikes.

-GOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLL! Um, you don't hear that very often at the World Cup. That's because no one scores any GOOOOOOAAAALLLLLSSSS! They need to open up this game I think. Make the 2 forwards stay on the offensive half of the field at all times. Or make it 9 vs 9. There are just too many players on the field. Yes, when a team makes a play, it is artistic. But how about for the other 89 minutes and 55 seconds. Here's a fearless precition on tomorrow's score between Italy and France. 1 to 0.

Also, what is up with the way they keep time?? What, we can't stop the clock when a player is injured?? Therefore, nobody on the field knows when the game ends. Imagine a football game (a real football game) being played that way. "It's first and goal. With :03 seconds to go. Or not. There could be 4 minutes left. Whoa Nellie!"

-Pirates of the Caribbean: Something curse Jack Chest whatever, opened this weekend. And apparently America is going nuts. $55 million dollars. In one day!! That's ridiculous. So in honor of POTC2, I've compiled the Top 5 Pirate movies, the definitive list.

1) Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl- The movie when mainstream America realized what a good actor Johnny Depp is, and when we realized that british chick from Bend it Like Beckham filled out.

2) Uhh....uhhh.....Hook?

Ok, there really aren't that many good pirate movies. There really aren't many tolerable pirate movies. There are only horrifyingly bad pirate movies. And Number One on that list is...

1) Cutthroat Island. The $100 million dollar bomb of 1995 starring Matthew Modine (action star! He brought in all the fans of And the Band Played On and Bye, Bye Love) and Geena Davis. With a killer supporting term by Frank Langella. Let's just say, if you haven't seen the preview of Cutthroat Island with Langella chewing scenery like Nate Robertson chews gum, you haven't lived. I love it!

Finally, I went and saw 1776 last night at the Barn Theatre. It's the lavish musical which chronicles John Adams and the rest of congress putting together the Declaration of Independance. I learned a lot about our nation's history.

First, I didn't realize that more than half of our forefathers were flamingly gay. Scott Burkell portrayed John Adams with the foppish behavior of a scarf wearing seamstress. History shows John and his wife Abigail as one of the greatest romances in history, sending love letters back and forth from Philadelphia to her home in Massachusetts. Let's just say, we now know why John was not hurrying home to her.

Also, the guy playing Benjamin Franklin was John Newton, who must be at least 75 years old if he's a day. Remembering his lines was quite a feat. At numerous times I felt is if he was just grasping for air ready to break character and ask one of his compatriots for help. It was on the edge of your seat theater.

The musical chronicles the month or so leading up to the first July 4th. And it felt that long. The show ran 3 hours! And those seats are far from a craftmatic adjustable chair. My back is still adjusting. We did stay however to catch the bar show at the Barn where gay men (minus Schinzer) serendaded us with "There's nothing like a dame" and "Razzle Dazzle Day" from the movie Pete's Dragon. Really?? Pete's Dragon?? Why not a song from Darby O'Gill and the little people?



Blogger AsaJubus said...

Wow... I can't believe you mentioned "Razzle Dazzle Day" from "Pete's Dragon" in your blog. We're in Rochester helping my mom, and for some reason, that's what I was singing all damn day when we were cleaning her house! Plus, then my sister brought home a DVD of "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" for us to watch.


Blogger snell said...

I like the way the Chicago press is playing up that Ben Wallace makes the Bulls a "legitimate championship contender."


Maybe it's just me, but personally I would wait until my team finished above .500, or say maybe actually won more than two games in a first round playoff series, before I started ring fittings.

If one player can single-handedly turn the definition of mediocrity into a "legitimate playoof contender," the NBA is one heckuva lot weaker than I thought...


Blogger Unky Rob said...

I agree Snell. I'd rather have a starting five of wallace, mcdyess, prince, hamilton, and billups than big ben, tyrus thomas, nocioni, gordon, and hinrich. But as Willem Dafoe in Spider-man once said, and I'm paraphrasing, America loves to see people fail. And America has hated the pistons for a couple of years now. Everyone thought it would be SA vs DET in the finals all year, and look how that turned out. Besides, these Pistons play the best when they have something to prove. Now we just need to get out and get somebody to come off the bench.


Anonymous Derek's Dad said...

As a Bulls fan from the time Jerry Sloan wore a Bulls uniform, I would like to point out that the Bulls won just as many playoff games against Miami this year as Detroit, or any other team in the playoffs, including Dallas, for that matter.

I think its unfair to say we Bull's fans think one player is making the difference. I think the Bulls also ended up with the best player in the draft (my position before the draft not in retrospect), and I love the way they drafted LaMarcus Aldridge and parlayed him into the draft pick they really wanted plus a bench-strengthening forward, not to mention some other young talent they picked up in the draft and trades.

With all that are they a Championship contender? I say yes! . . . Of course I am also a Cubs fan so hope (and irrationality) spring eternal for me.


Anonymous Derek said...

I'd have to agree with papa Felten on this one. Ben Wallace is the only thing the Bulls have? Name three other players who have droped eight three pointers in a row - I'd put Ben Gordon against Rip Hamilton any day of the week. Not to mention that most of the Bulls' players are young, and have nowhere to go but up.


Anonymous Becky Kovats said...

I also saw 1776. At intermission the entire row in front of us left. THE ENTIRE ROW. And there were 3 or 4 seperate parties. I must say the highlight of the show was that special education soldier singing Mama Look Sharp. I wept for days, but that was because the show sucked so hard.


Blogger Unky Rob said...

Becky, that's great. We were way in the back so we couldn't see his face. Did you know that Richard Henry Lee has since quit the barn?? :(


Anonymous Becky said...

NOOOO! He was the only good part! We named him Bob.


Anonymous Scott said...

just read your rather snide and completely smug (albeit rather funny) comments on my performance as John Adams at the Barn this summer. Please keep me posted if you're ever performing in anything in the Portage area and I'll be sure to drop in from NYC and catch it so that I can return the favor. Although I have a feeling that in this case it's probably a bit of "those who can't do blog".



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