The Drain 7/8

Afros, boredom, Pirates and Gay forefathers. What do they have in common? They are all going down:
THE DRAIN

-Ben Wallace has left Detroit. Talk all you want about how Ben is on the downside of his career. Talk about how Chicago overpaid for him. Talk about how he can't score or shoot a free throw. But the guy was the heart, the soul and the face of this franchise for the last 6 years. And they maybe able to replace his stats, but they can't replace his leadership.

So let's see. Joe Dumars was able to parlay Ben Wallace, the no. 2 draft pick where they could have got Melo, Wade, or Bosh, Carlos Arroyo into....Kelvin Cato?? Do you think we could use Darko right now? I wouldn't trade the 2004 championship for anything, but has a team fallen so far so fast. In February the Pistons team were a lock to win the title and were handling the Western Conference All-Stars. Now, they are the 3rd best team in their own division, and their coach is Flip Saunders. Yikes.

-GOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLL! Um, you don't hear that very often at the World Cup. That's because no one scores any GOOOOOOAAAALLLLLSSSS! They need to open up this game I think. Make the 2 forwards stay on the offensive half of the field at all times. Or make it 9 vs 9. There are just too many players on the field. Yes, when a team makes a play, it is artistic. But how about for the other 89 minutes and 55 seconds. Here's a fearless precition on tomorrow's score between Italy and France. 1 to 0.

Also, what is up with the way they keep time?? What, we can't stop the clock when a player is injured?? Therefore, nobody on the field knows when the game ends. Imagine a football game (a real football game) being played that way. "It's first and goal. With :03 seconds to go. Or not. There could be 4 minutes left. Whoa Nellie!"

-Pirates of the Caribbean: Something curse Jack Chest whatever, opened this weekend. And apparently America is going nuts. $55 million dollars. In one day!! That's ridiculous. So in honor of POTC2, I've compiled the Top 5 Pirate movies, the definitive list.

1) Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl- The movie when mainstream America realized what a good actor Johnny Depp is, and when we realized that british chick from Bend it Like Beckham filled out.

2) Uhh....uhhh.....Hook?

Ok, there really aren't that many good pirate movies. There really aren't many tolerable pirate movies. There are only horrifyingly bad pirate movies. And Number One on that list is...

1) Cutthroat Island. The $100 million dollar bomb of 1995 starring Matthew Modine (action star! He brought in all the fans of And the Band Played On and Bye, Bye Love) and Geena Davis. With a killer supporting term by Frank Langella. Let's just say, if you haven't seen the preview of Cutthroat Island with Langella chewing scenery like Nate Robertson chews gum, you haven't lived. I love it!

Finally, I went and saw 1776 last night at the Barn Theatre. It's the lavish musical which chronicles John Adams and the rest of congress putting together the Declaration of Independance. I learned a lot about our nation's history.

First, I didn't realize that more than half of our forefathers were flamingly gay. Scott Burkell portrayed John Adams with the foppish behavior of a scarf wearing seamstress. History shows John and his wife Abigail as one of the greatest romances in history, sending love letters back and forth from Philadelphia to her home in Massachusetts. Let's just say, we now know why John was not hurrying home to her.

Also, the guy playing Benjamin Franklin was John Newton, who must be at least 75 years old if he's a day. Remembering his lines was quite a feat. At numerous times I felt is if he was just grasping for air ready to break character and ask one of his compatriots for help. It was on the edge of your seat theater.

The musical chronicles the month or so leading up to the first July 4th. And it felt that long. The show ran 3 hours! And those seats are far from a craftmatic adjustable chair. My back is still adjusting. We did stay however to catch the bar show at the Barn where gay men (minus Schinzer) serendaded us with "There's nothing like a dame" and "Razzle Dazzle Day" from the movie Pete's Dragon. Really?? Pete's Dragon?? Why not a song from Darby O'Gill and the little people?

-UR