Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Baby, Baby

I'm sure you've all seen it. The images haunt my dreams. I'm more scared of anything under 16 inches (insert joke here) now than I ever was. Marlon Wayans is "Little Man". (shudder) The commercials are on 24-7. Marlon is a 'little person' who poses as a baby. And NOBODY BLINKS AN EYE!!! WHAT??!?!?!

But seeing a baby shaving, smoking a cigar, and having jokes made about his, um, diaper area, is sickening. But in general Baby's aren't funny. They are creepy. They creep me out. They creep the hell out of me. So I now make the Top 5 list of the Babies that scare the bejeesus out of me.

Honorable Mention: Look Who's Talking Too (roseanne makes it scarier), Jak Jak from The Incredibles, Rosemary's baby (though we never see it), and AJ Pierzynski's child (poor little girl)

5) Rugrats- I really don't have anything against the Rugrats other than they are fugly. I mean, look at this!! That is not a cute baby. I do respect them for being Jewish and all and having a very Rugrats Yom Kippur where they starve the babies. Or maybe it was passover. Also, that redhead with the glasses name was Chucky. Like the murderous doll. And he has red hair also. That's an omen.

4) Dancing Baby on Ally McBeal- Who wasn't uber-creeped out by this?? An anorexic 30 year old dancing with a alien CGI baby who probably weighed more than her. Babies dancing = scary. Not one person who saw this thought, "Awwww. That's cute." We all thought "DEMON CHILD!! DEMON CHILD!!!" Actually I think this dancing baby has done more work than Calista Flockheart since Ally got cancelled. Maybe she evaporated.

3) Baby's Day Out- Isn't it funny that Baby Bink (yes, Bink) gets kidnapped? Isn't it funny how the baby is outsmarting the bumbling criminals? Isn't it funny watching a baby crawl through New York City? Isn't it funny seeing a baby almost plummet to its death on a building's rooftop? Isn't it?? Isn't it?? Oh.

2) Superbabies: Baby Genuises 2- Babies in diapers and sunglasses acting badass. That is so wrong on so many levels. They work on computers in a secret lair and communicate via "baby talk" unbeknowest to their parents. WHAT?!?!? And I understand Scott Baio being in this turdpile. But what is Jon Voight doing here?? Do these babies have incriminating photos of him? Just thinking of this movie makes me want to claw at my own skin.

1) Baby Bob and that baby from the Quizno's commercial- The only thing more frightening than baby's talking with kids voices, is a baby with the voice of a 38 year old man who sounds like he should be in the stands at Fenway Park ordering another Miller High Life. If you don't remember Baby Bob, it was a short-lived CBS sitcom that featured Oscar nominated Elliot Gould, Emmy nominated Holland Taylor and Adam Arkin, and Golden Globe nominated Joely Fisher as the family to 'Baby Bob!' a baby who they discovered could speak just like them!! And yet, after this stain on humanity was cancelled, that baby showed up shilling toasted subs for Quizno's, and if you can believe it, it was more frightening. In the ads, the baby is lying near a pool next to a bikini-clad girl who he is hitting on, and the girl seems to like it. AGGHHHHH!!!

So now you know what truly frightens me. And why I don't go goo goo gah gah over family or friends kids. I dont' trust anything that can't make cognitive sentences yet. Just call me when they're five.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Rob, I believe you forgot an all-important scary baby...Adam from Honey I Blew Up the Kid! That baby was some freaky shit...


Blogger Unky Rob said...

You're so right Alex. I totally forgot that. Nothing is scarier than a baby who's dookie is bigger than you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

so um....what, was the first Baby Genuises a piece of art,and then they sold out?


Blogger Unky Rob said...

I also forgot Baby Herman. The cigar smoking, five o'clock shadowed womanzier of the Roger Rabbit cartoons.

Re: Baby genuises, yes still frightening, but IMO when they tried to go all Men in Black on me was where it just catapulted the original. Though Kathleen Turner is scary in her own right.


Blogger snell said...

The best review of a bad movie ever is
Roger Ebert's review of Baby Geniuses.

Get well soon, Roger.


Blogger Unky Rob said...

And he still gave it one and a half stars! What gets zero stars??


Blogger AsaJubus said...

Some of Roger Ebert's Zero Star movies:

The Exterminator (1980)
Burn Hollywood Burn, An Alan Smithee Film (1998)
BAPS (1997)
Caligula (1980)
Erik the Viking (1989)
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
I Spit on Your Grave (1980)
JoJo Dancer (1986)
The Life of David Gale (2003)
North (1994)
Pink Flamingos (1972)
Sour Grapes (1998) - Sorry Larry
Tomcats (2001)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok. This is maybe the scariest baby ever. I pass billboards of this huge ugly baby face all over Indiana when I drive to Chicago.



Blogger Unky Rob said...

I can't get the link to work, but i think know of which baby you speak. There are some frightening children used on billboards.


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