Saturday, August 12, 2006

My Summer Movie Report (or gripe list)

We've entered the doldrums of summer movies, and aside from the building anticipation of Snakes on a Plane, this summer has been, to say the least, dissapointing. From failed retreads to overlong pirate movies, the summer has lacked the punch one would hope for. Yes, I ended a sentence in a preposition. I mean, the best movies of the summer have been The Devil Wears Prada and The Descent. So I now have some suggestions for making the summer movie season more enticing.

1. No more PG-13 horror movies. From this summer's Pulse or Lady in the Water, to last summer's Dark Water or Skeleton Key, if you're gonna do scary, go all out. That's why Snakes on a Plane went back to amp up the gore. At least The Omen was 'R', and hey, it's made almost 55 mil.

2. Don't remake it if people still remember the original. You want to remake a movie that didn't find it's audience or feel is underappreciated? Fine. But not even Johnny Drama could stop the sinking ship known as Poseidon. Was anything terribly wrong with Christopher Reeve and Superman? And I think the only reason they remade The Omen was its release date, 6/6/06.

3. M. Night can't write his own movies. I think enough has been written by other people on this subject that I don't have to elaborate any more.

4. Sandler- get a new idea. Was Click anything more than a big budget remake of the Jesse Bradford classic Clockstoppers?? Sandler is best when playing a man-child, or having someone like Jack Nicholson to riff with. (another preposition, I know). And I don't even mind Spanglish starring Sandler. Just no more implausible situations, where your every-man goes wild.

5. No American accents for Colin Farrell. It's atrocious. Why is he a movie star again?? Has there even been a movie where you've said, wow, that Colin Farrell was really good. S.W.A.T.? The Recruit?? The New World??? Didn't think so.

6. NO more computer animated movies about assimilated animals or bugs. Hmm, why did the Ant Bully tank?? Cuz we've already had 5 billion movies about animated insects. Or 2. Still. And Barnyard?? Was that necessary? The best cartoons were Cars and Monster House, and guess what, they were original ideas. Plus Monster House was 3-D. Always a plus.

7. No doing publicity for your movie until the week of its release. Da Vinci, MI3, The Breakup. I'm sure I saw stars doing the rounds for these films months before the opening. Did you konw that Aniston and Vince are a couple? But they won't talk about it. Or that the DaVinci Code is controversial?? Or that Tom Cruise is crazy? I'm just trying to keep things under wraps. Anything to keeps Tom Cruise off of BET.

8. If a movie makes less than 100 mil or you can't get its star, you can't make a sequel. Garfield 2, Fast and the Furious 3, Clerks 2. What void did the first Garfield leave us?? No Paul Walker? No Dice! Kevin Smith, please don't make Jersey Girl 2. Actually, I am a Jersey Girl fan. I think it got improperly shit on. J-LO is barely in it. Liv Tyler doesn't annoy the piss out of me. Besides, any movie with a climactic scene involving a Sweeney Todd recreation is A-OK in my book.

9. Stick to action movies, Keanu. But he and Sandra Bullock reunite!! In a movie about a magical mailbox!!!! What about Trinity?? You blew it Neo!

10. If the best part of your movie is its title, that's a bad thing. John Tucker Must Die, Nacho Libre, You, Me, and Dupree. Good titles. Not good movies.


11. NO MORE WAYANS MOVIES. They are killing my soul.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Rob, like the update.

But... I actually did think that Colin Farrell gave a good performance in Phone Booth. Was I wowed? No. But, I was impressed because he basically carried the whole movie.

And...I thought you enjoyed You, Me, and Dupree? Although one couldnt tell that because of your "#10"


Anonymous Jessica said...

I would just like to state that Nick and I liked Poseidon so you are wrong about that, also Click was good, and made me cry, so you suck.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha click on my name it brings up links that you would be interested in.


Blogger Reel Fanatic said...

Your list indeed points out many of the things that have made this summer almost unbearable .. For me it started with the back-to-back blows of the simply awful X-3 and then the excremental "Poseidon" . I have to say, however, that as mindless entertainment I laughed a lot at both "Nacho Libre" and "Clerks II," and I don't ask mor much more than that from summer fare


Anonymous Anonymous said...

roberto, you need to remember that adam sandler is holding down the fort in hollywood for us jews. without him, we lose a huge anchor in an industry that employs/did employ Mel Gibson. don't hate on the dude who wrote the Hannukah Songs. those were funny.


Blogger Unky Rob said...

Y,M and D i enjoyed to some extent, but they still played up that WACKY title way too much.

Jessica, respecting you're opinion in movies is, sad to say, like asking Paris Hilton for advice on the convent. It is acceptable to cry at a Spanglish trailer, not Click.

Clerks 2, had funny moments for sure, but most Kevin Smith movies do. There's just a ceiling (as Bill Simmons points out) to how good a Kevin Smith can be. At 20 being a slacker is hip, at 30 you're a loser.

And BTW, expect a john tucker column soon, it was so craptastic.


Blogger snell said...

Man, I go to Vegas for a week, and Rob goes all nutso. Sure, he's mostly right, but nutso.

In random order:
*The Devil Wears Prada was sorta decent, but c'mon, it was the same story we've seen a million times, and it wussed out on its faint convictions at the end. Yay, everybody is happy and loves each other at the end!!

*Rob is, of course, 110% right about the recent deluge of craptacular computer animated movies of late. Really, I defy anyone to tell the difference between The Wild and Madagascar and Hoodwinked and Over the Hedge and Barnyard and Open Season and...please, Hoolywood, learn from Pixar: there's more to a computer animated feature than drawing a chipmunk and giving him a celebrity voice...

*Lay off Kevin Smith, man...I live the Clerks lifestyle.

*Colin's accent was pretty atrocious, but the attempts to hide it in Miami Vice were very amusing. Michael Mann: "Cut, cut. Colin, can you say that line lower and more grumbly, please?" (Note, I think he's a decent enough actor...just stop pretending he's American).

*Nacho biggest disappointment of the summer...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your gripe list would be MUCH shorter if you would STOP going to see the movies that are so obviously going to be awful movies. By paying to see movies like "John Tucker Must Die" (paying full price, I might add - not even waiting for DVD), you are just giving them more money to make more idiotic movies. So, use some judgment, Debbie Downer! Wah wah...


Blogger Unky Rob said...

The thing is, I don't pay for movies full price. We have coupons at the K-10 via the super power that is Josh Weiner and the Meyer C. Weiner Co. And I got some gift cards to Crossroads too, so Boo-yah whoever wrote that. Prolly Jason or Esa.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good guess... Jason wrote it. Sorry, I should've signed my name (I can never remember our password, so I never sign in as a blogger). Anyway, I think it's bunk that you don't have to pay to see movies and that you waste your precious free coupons on DUMB SHIT. Then again, it's partly not your fault... many good movies don't even come to the Kalamazoo area, and with all those free passes, you are practically forced to see the crap that makes it here.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Rob,
I am now up to date on the three "C's"---Charlevoix, Cubs and Crappy Summer Movies.
What did you get for guessing the attendance at Wrigley?
You are way right about Colin Farrell, but I think Keanu Reaves has some acting talent---Devil's Advocate and that other movie where he pretends to be someone's husband?
Well, enjoyable lunch time reading.
BTW, I am seeing "Help Wanted" signs all over the place---virtually every store at Crossroads and lots more around town. It's time to GAFJ!
Talk to you soon.
With love from the coupon man.



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